The Museum of Everything

The Museum of Everything

Genre	Comedy
Running time	28 minutes
Country	United Kingdom
Languages	English
Home station	BBC Radio 4
Starring	Marcus Brigstocke Danny Robins Dan Tetsell Lucy Montgomery
Writers	Marcus Brigstocke Danny Robins Dan Tetsell
Air dates	18 March 2004 to 13 January 2009 (BBC 7)
No. of series	3
No. of episodes	18
Website	Official website

The Museum of Everything is a BBC Radio 4 comedy sketch show, written and performed by Marcus Brigstocke, Danny Robins and Dan Tetsell with Lucy Montgomery. The show generally occupies the 18:30 comedy slot on BBC Radio 4, with repeats several times a year on BBC Radio 4 Extra. The first series was broadcast in 2003, a second series in 2005 and a third series in mid summer 2006 which makes continued use of favourite characters from past episodes as well as creating new ones. It is set in the fabled "Museum of Everything", an apparently infinite space housing exhibitions on everything from the history of stairs to the Greek buttock gallery.

Series List

First Series

1. 18 March 2004 - Welcome to the Museum of Everything
2. 25 March 2004 - A Very Important Visitor
3. 1 April 2004 - School Parties Welcome
4. 8 April 2004 - To Infinity and Beyond
5. 15 April 2004 - Ancient Worlds: The History of Everything
6. 22 April 2004 - The History of the Future

Second Series

1. 24 March 2005 - The Museum Re-opens
2. 31 March 2005 - The Dig
3. 7 April 2005 - Under New Management
4. 14 April 2005 - The Coach Trip
5. 21 April 2005 - By Royal Appointment
6. 28 April 2005 - Behind the Magic

Third Series

1. 27 July 2006 - The William Shakespearance
2. 3 August 2006 - The Human Body Experience
3. 10 August 2006 - The Museum's Most Precious Object
4. 17 August 2006 - The Museum of the Year Awards
5. 24 August 2006 - The Expo
6. 31 August 2006 - How Things Work

Other Appearances

• A short one minute sketch for the BBC Radio 4 28 Acts in 28 Minutes broadcast on 5 July 2006.

Frequently recurring characters and themes

The Curator

Mentioned only a few times in the early episodes, the Curator was eventually replaced by the gravelly voiced Singer-songwriter Tom Waits, after the other four applicants were turned down. He then proceeded to remove the filling system and replaced it with an upright piano, and hired a lot of his more unusual friends into lesser jobs within the Museum.

Every time anyone talks to the curator, he lights a match, and sets off into a surreal anecdote about some-one he once met, such as one young woman he met who was, "blind in one eye, and couldn't see out the other." When finally confronted about it, he was forced to admit that he doesn't actually know anyone with a full set of working eyes.

The Guides

The show always opens with John and George, two Bristolian tour guides, and their catchphrase of "cheers then, thanks then, cheers then, thanks then...". They pop up throughout each episode reminding customers of museum attractions and rules, etc. Often the rules are twisted to their favour, one example of which is: "Remember: Please do not leave unattended bags anywhere in the museum. They will be stolen. By us."

In the third series there is a temp/trainee tour guide called Debbie, who is a bit clumsy and dim. George falls victim to a "swath of redundancies", which in fact only affects him. His replacement is a Mr Thomas, headhunted from the Ashmolean Museum in Oxford, and therefore more eager than his colleague John to educate the general public.

The Announcer

This is intended as a parody of the announcements often found in museums advertising the most mundane and ridiculous features, as it is taken to such extremes. As well as staff announcements, e.g. “Will Mr FIRE please come to the flammable items gallery”, Jane the Announcer also informs the public about new attractions. “The history of stairs exhibit is located between floors one and two.” By the end of the first series, the monotony of the job is starting to show in the announcements: “Mum, can we go now? I’m bored.”

The Gift Shop

The gift shop is regarded by the staff with such reverence that a choral effect always plays whenever it is mentioned. It stocks novelties, pencils, many kinds of fudge in the shape of historical figures (more often than not, Jane Austen) and nougat in the shape of human organs. In the recent renovations of the Museum of Everything, the gift shop was the major (if not only) recipient of funds. In the final episode of the first series, "concession stands" are regarded with such contempt that a warped version of the gift shop noise is played.

On the one occasion that the gift shop features in a sketch, two visitors stumble upon it by accident when looking for another gallery, and are mysteriously unable to escape through any of the doors – they all lead straight back to the gift shop.

It is also mentioned on a separate occasion that the Museum's emergency exits pass through the Gift Shop, and one can only leave the gift shop by buying something.

The Rollercoasters

During the third series, a short advertisement for a new rollercoaster features a performance spin-off of "I'm So Excited" by the Pointer Sisters and disclaimer notes at the end.

• The Widowmaker
• Certain Death
• Negligence
• Captain Bubbles’ Butterfly Teacups... Of Death
• Designed By A Blue Peter Competition Winner
• London Underground

The Idiots

These are two Upper-Class gentlemen who seem to revel in snobbery, drinking games, sexism, xenophobia and spoonerism. When asked if they went to Oxford: “Guilty!” “Which college?” “Brookes!” Their favourite game (which takes many improbable names throughout the series) involves placement of their penis into another's drink, and they enjoy puerile rhymes and songs. Whilst being continuously jovial, they are self admittedly very lonely and detest each other's company. They have a tendency to turn up everywhere, irritating all kinds of people, from lottery fund personnel to tourists in Italy. Their finest hour was when they met two German people of much the same nature when attending a celebration of a twinning of two towns.

Randy and Travis

These two appear to be Falconers, or something close. They have a casual attitude to animal cruelty. Randy (or Wandy) has an incredible speech impediment, and Travis is a Geordie who has a habit of saying "Nightmare" every so often.

The Fillum Institute

The Museum of Everything Fillum Institute. On occasion the institute will give a public interview of someone who works in the film industry. Previous highlights have included: the bloke who does the CGI on films; a film director so bad that he specialises in straight to video releases; and one occasion when the presenter, Tom Commode, interviews "the most important figure working in fillum today" – himself.

Badgerland

Badgerland is intended as a parody of major theme parks such as Disney World. This is evident when the series refers to another park, Euro Badger (in France). The original park is located “just off the M3 between Patrick Moore and Ted Heath”.

The advert for Badgerland invariably involves an obscene, murmured pun, employing the word "Badger", at some point within the sketch.

However, at the beginning of the second series, it was announced that Badgerland has been closed. The reasons for this are to do with various infractions of the health and safety code, particularly the numerous cases of mutated bovine tuberculosis that visitors contracted. One of the challenges presented by the closure of the park is finding employment for Mr Hudson, who appears to have no other talent besides playing Badgey the Badger, and is actually in character permanently.

Several other British hedgerow-mammal-themed amusement parks are also referred to, including Ferret Park, Vole Valley, Shrew Express and Stoat World. Stoat World's attractions include the Stoat Moat and Ferret Wheel, as well as the Res-stoat-rant.

Partwork magazine

In its second series, The Museum of Everything dropped its regular Badgerland slot, filling it instead with adverts for a variety of partwork hobby magazines allowing you to build various items week by week. These items include a life size model of the Cutty Sark, and another of France (with a bonus magazine allowing you to build the French, if, as the show puts it, you want to spoil it). For the truly committed, there is the partwork magazine "Partwork", in which you can assemble your own collection of partwork magazines ("issue 4 comes with a gun in case it all gets too much") The introductory price of these magazines is usually 99 pence, but the regular price is anywhere between £100 and all your material possessions. Similarly to the Badgerland sketches, the advertising jingles for the partworks are based on that used for the DeAgostini title "I Love Horses".

Bagshot Grange

This stately home, opened to the public to raise funds needed due to some misguided banking, is large and impressive. Guided tours are operated by the lady of the house, who makes use of every opportunity to be unpleasant to her wheelchair-using husband Geoffrey, whom she blames for their present financial situation. There is also an undertone that she is trying to kill her husband to collect his insurance. Staff at the home include "Mr Gardener", an ex-sniper from the former Yugoslavia who still finds time to practise his skill and a Sarajevan cook, as yet unpaid after two years of employment.

Brawley Safari Park

This safari park is known for its liberal values, relaxed attitude, and abysmal safety record. Each Wednesday the visitors are encouraged to mix with the animals, especially the tigers who need feeding. Every new keeper on his or her first day is required to feed the tigers as an initiation rite - they go in wearing a meat hat. Almost every keeper is a replacement for a replacement. The "head keeper" in fact runs the canteen, and is called the head keeper as, despite, on his first day, a tiger biting almost all the way through his neck, he still managed to keep his head.

The Giant

This man runs a tourist attraction, claiming it to be his "normal sized village". Since this giant is in fact just under six foot, it is in fact a miniature village. He has a habit of saying most things to rhyme with "fe fi fo fum", and going "boom boom boom boom" as he walks. While he may consider himself not to be part of the human race, the Giant shows a degree of compassion, in that he makes sure he does not crush visitors to his village - and so far he hasn't killed anyone in such a way.

The Re-enactors

A trio of enthusiasts who have difficulty keeping contemporary concerns out of their recreations of the past.

Mistress Bess the Herbalist

Mistress Bess is an apothecary (though for convenience of pronunciation she just calls herself “the Herbalist”) and has an unfortunate speech impediment. She specialises in old-fashioned foods and natural remedies for ailments, none of which seem to work, despite supposedly having “curative properties” by virtue of being olden. The character is introduced in The Coach Trip (series two), as one of the attractions at the Chaversham Mediaeval Fayre. She subsequently appears often in series three, despite nearly dying at least once from mushroom poisoning.

External links

• BBC Online Radio Homepage, where past episodes can be listened to, on BBC Radio 4 Extra
• BBC Museum of Everything Homepage