Recurring segments on The Colbert Report

In addition to its standard interviews, "The Colbert Report" features many recurring segments that cover a variety of topics. The following is a list of those segments, both past and present.

Alpha Dog of the Week

Alpha Dog of the Week is a segment in which Colbert heaps praise on one specific news maker from the previous week for, as Colbert himself puts it, being "such an imposing presence that people automatically fall in place behind you, deferentially sniffing your butt." [cite web |url=http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18881794/site/newsweek/ |title=Betas Rule |accessdate=2007-09-28 |publisher=Newsweek |last=Yabroff |first=Jennie |date=June 4 2007 ] The irony of the segment comes from the fact that the honoree has typically fallen from grace as a result of the supposed alpha behavior Colbert is celebrating.

Better Know a District

Better Know a District is a recurring segment where Colbert interviews members of Congress from specific districts, hoping to fill all 435 spaces on his map. It features Colbert first giving a short history lesson on the district, then interviewing the representative and asking them "loaded" questions.

pinoffs

* Better Know a Challenger, a segment during the 2006 Congressional Elections where Colbert interviewed challengers because the incumbent declined to appear on his show.
* Better Know a Protectorate, a 4 part series focusing on the protectorates of the United States.
* Better Know a Founder, a 56 part series focusing on the signers of the United States Declaration of Independence.
* Better Know a President, a 43 part series where Colbert interviews former Presidents by speaking to impersonators.
* Meet an Ally, a series focusing on the nations in the Coalition of the Willing.
* Betterer Know a District, features extended versions of previously shown interviews.
* Better Know a Memory, a "recap" of sorts following the 2006 elections, showing "better known" representatives that had been returned to Congress.
* Better Know a Presidential Candidate Who'll Talk to Me, an indefinite series featuring interviews with current presidential candidates. To date, only Republicans Mike Huckabee (who asked Colbert to be his running mate) and Ron Paul have appeared for such interviews, although Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards have all made appearances on the Report.
* Better Know a Governor, a new series focusing on state governors (starting with Mark Sanford)
* Better Know a Lobby, a new series, introduced on the February 6, 2008 episode, focusing on lobbyists that work on Capitol Hill.

The Boards

Originating from phrases used by Colbert as a warning or condemnation, the On Notice and Dead to Me boards are giant blue boards listing people and things that have angered Colbert. When the On Notice board is full, Colbert is forced to either remove an item or transfer it to the Dead to Me board, which is reserved for his most hated nemeses. One-off variations have included a Called Out white board on August 14 2006, a red Fantasies board on January 31 2007, a Do Not Say board on April 25 2007 and a pocket-sized "On Notice" board on October 2 2007.

Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.

Cheating Death is a medical and health-related segment. During Cheating Death, Colbert refers to himself as Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A., a reference to the Honorary Fine Arts Doctorate that was awarded to him by Knox College.

The segment usually features accounts of actual medical and health news, including recent breakthroughs and announcements of the type found on other medical and health segments which then segue into plugs for the (fictional) sponsor, "Prescott Pharmaceuticals", and their highly dubious Vaxa family of drugs. The opening shot of the segment is a reference to the chess game with death in Ingmar Bergman's film, The Seventh Seal. The segment always ends with Stephen Colbert saying, "I'll see you in health!," a play on the phrase, "I'll see you in hell!"

Colbert Platinum (CP)

Colbert Platinum is "The Colbert Report's" version of High Net Worth (HNW) on CNBC. It profiles expensive and high-profile items, like personal submarines and $750,000 pens, which only the "super rich" could afford. In the introduction, Colbert reminds viewers that the segment is for billionaires "only", instructing "poor" millionaire viewers to change the channel.

The Craziest F#?king Thing I've Ever Heard

The Craziest F#?king Thing I've Ever Heard is a segment in which Colbert highlights a "bizarre" recent news item. It likens to "The O'Reilly Factor's" "The Most Ridiculous Item of the Day". Variants include "The Most Poetic F#?king Thing I've Ever Heard".

The DaColbert Code

A parody of Dan Brown's "The Da Vinci Code", The DaColbert Code is an occasional segment in which Colbert uses his mysterious code (actually an elaborate word association game) to uncover past and future events. This typically leads Colbert to form absurd conclusions, such as that Mike Myers was responsible for the Hurricane Katrina debacle — although in 2006, he used the DaColbert Code to accurately predict the five top Oscar winners. The segment uses Leonardo Da Vinci's "Mona Lisa" as its opening graphic, with Colbert's face edited in.

Democralypse Now!

Democralypse Now! was introduced during the 2008 presidential primaries and covers how the Democratic party is "destroying itself" through Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama's competing bids for the presidential nomination. The title parodies the film "Apocalypse Now", with "Ride of the Valkyries" played at the beginning and an cutout of John McCain's head quoting the film's famous line "The horror ... the horror!"

Difference Makers

Difference Makers pays tribute to ordinary Americans whom Colbert deems to be making a difference, usually in promoting a passionate cause of dubious value, such as a woman who believes that teaching pole dancing is a feminist cause. The Difference Maker being profiled is described in heroic superlatives, and the segments feature patriotic background music, but the interviews shown invariably contradict the narrator's praising statements. This is one of the few segments in which Colbert does not feature at all, except occasionally in a voiceover.

Formidable Opponent

For Formidable Opponent Colbert debates a topic against the only person he deems truly worthy of his opposition: himself. The segment gives the appearance that there are two Stephen Colberts, each facing the other, wearing different colored ties and standing against different backdrops, an illusion attained through use of a green screen and chroma-key technology to change the color of Colbert's tie. One of the Colberts will generally take a more liberal position, while the other will take a more characteristic ultra-conservative view. The conservative Colbert will invariably win the argument by posing a terrifying (though ridiculously unlikely) situation that might arise if the liberal Colbert got his way.

Four Horsemen of the A-Pop-calypse

In the Four Horsemen of the A-Pop-calypse segment Colbert criticizes the media (radio, film, television, and books) for hastening the end of civilization.

Freedom Trivia

These short messages frequently appeared on screen immediately before or after commercial breaks during the show's first season. The titles were typically portmanteaux, ranging from Fracts (Freedom Facts), to Friddles (Freedom Riddles), Franagrams (Freedom Anagrams) and Frnaps (Freedom Snaps). Drinking games and Freedom Trivia were also offered. The messages displayed were typically reflective of Colbert's exaggerated patriotism and inflated ego, for instance, "Did you know… In 1983, Stephen legally changed his middle name to 'Gettysburg Address'." They were discontinued soon after the commencement of the show's second season; the last Freedom Trivia message appeared in the January 26 2006 episode of the "Report".

Monkey on the Lam

Monkey on the Lam first appeared in August 2007 after a monkey escaped and went "on the lam" in Wisconsin. It has recurred occasionally, featuring stories of escaped monkeys, but mostly revolving around Colbert's disappointment upon the discovery that whatever story is being profiled has been resolved and will not need follow up, giving him no excuse to use the graphic featuring a monkey riding a lamb and firing a gun. A "Lobster Edition" of the segment was also featured, using the same graphic.

Movies That Are Destroying America

Movies That Are Destroying America is a film review segment in which Colbert provides his opinions on recently-released movies—often, he admits, without actually having seen anything more than the trailers (which he claims "give you the best part of the movie anyway"). This often leads to a humorous and mistaken impression of the movies being reviewed as Colbert viciously attacks films that most would consider to be benign (such as "Over the Hedge" and "Pride and Prejudice"), then praises a movie that conservatives have found objectionable (such as "Brokeback Mountain"). The segment has featured an "Awards Edition," a "Christmas Edition," and a "Summer Blockbuster Edition."

Nailed 'Em

Nailed 'Em is a segment where Stephen covers a dubious triumph of "Order & Law."

People Destroying America

In a similar style to that of Nailed 'Em and Difference Makers, People Destroying America features interviews surrounding a person who has committed some sort of trivial action or offense that Colbert deems to be "destroying America." The narration, usually read by Colbert, tends to describe the subject and their supposed offense in ominous superlatives which are invariably contradicted by the benign responses of the interviewees.

Smokin' Pole: The Fight for Arctic Riches

Smokin' Pole: The Fight for Arctic Riches is a segment in which Colbert recaps news surrounding the world's nations laying claim to the resources of the Arctic Circle.

tephen Colbert's Balls for Kidz

Stephen Colbert's Balls for Kidz is an "educational" children's segment providing lessons on what Colbert deems to be important issues. It features a panel of four children interviewing adult "experts" whose typically absurd answers elicit bemused or horrified reactions from the young panel. The segment is filmed in two separate parts - field interviews with, or re-cut news footage of the "experts"; and the children's questions and reactions - which are then edited together to create the final piece.

tephen Colbert's Bears & Balls

A financial advice segment in the style of "Mad Money", Bears and Balls features an oversized red button that bleats out simplistic answers to finance-related questions when pressed, although Colbert will sometimes have to press it several times before eliciting a response relevant to the question.

tephen Colbert's Sport Report

The Sport Report (both pronounced with silent "t"s) is "The Colbert Report"'s sports recap. The introduction and graphics are reminiscent ESPN's "SportsCenter". The introduction music is Skulls and Snakes by Zack Tempest of Xtreme Music. It was essentially created to cover the Saginaw Spirit, an Ontario junior ice hockey team whose secondary mascot, Steagle Colbeagle, was named after Colbert. While the Spirit is usually the central focus of the Sport Report, with Colbert recapping their recent matches, trash-talking upcoming opponents and advising the team's coach, the segment is also used for the coverage of other sports-related news including the Stihl TimberSports championship.

Stephen's Sound Advice

Stephen's Sound Advice is an advice segment during which Colbert proffers absurdist remedies for problems such as taxes, power blackouts and identity theft.

Tek Jansen

Fully titled: "Stephen Colbert Presents: Stephen Colbert's Alpha Squad 7: The New Tek Jansen Adventures", the Tek Jansen shorts are animated adventures, purportedly of the main character of Colbert's (fictional) unpublished book, "Stephen Colbert's Alpha Squad 7: Lady Nocturne: A Tek Jansen Adventure". The shorts could be said to be formulaic and over the top, with each one featuring Jansen taking part in heroic adventures, becoming amorous with every woman (human and otherwise) he meets, spouting one-liners, and falling into mortal danger in a cliffhanger ending. Invariably the real Colbert will react to the animated goings-on as if he, too, finds it as exciting as the narrator does.

ThreatDown

The ThreatDown is one of the show's longest running segments, listing the five biggest threats to Americans as identified by Stephen Colbert. Bears frequently feature high on the list, either as their own entry or in connection with another entry, although the threats posed are often invisible to all but Colbert. In one example of this, in January 2006, the egotistical Colbert declared the Associated Press the number one threat to America for failing to credit him with the coining of the word "truthiness". Variations on this segment have included a GreatDown, which Colbert listed the five greatest things in America; a Mini ThreatDown that featured a single "threat number .5", which Colbert had neglected to mention in the previous night's ThreatDown; a ShredDown, the title given to the guitar solo competition between Colbert and Chris Funk; and a number of themed ThreatDowns, including an all animal, science and technology, and most frequent threats editions.

Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger

Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger is a segment in which Colbert expresses approval or disapproval of people or news items. It is not uncommon for Colbert to praise someone with a "Tip of the Hat", only to immediately turn around and condemn them with a "Wag of the Finger", sometimes for the same reason. In one such instance, Colbert lavished approval on then-Prime Minister of Australia John Howard for his criticism of Barack Obama, expressing agreement with the remarks, before showering Howard with abuse for daring to speak ill of an American citizen.

Who's —ing Me Now?

Variants of this segment include Who's Honoring Me Now? and Who's Not Honoring Me Now?, where Colbert brings attention to a media outlet that is recognizing him for something, or failing to recognize him for something he feels he should be recognized for respectively, playing on the character's self-centered nature. Who's Attacking Me Now? parodies the tendency of conservative pundits to portray themselves as besieged by foes in order to rally supporters to their defence. Who's Riding My Coattails Now? is another variation.

The Wørd

The Wørd is a frequently recurring segment which incorporates chyron messages that ironically undercut what Colbert is saying. Colbert chooses a word or phrase as the theme for a rant on a topical subject or news item while on the screen beside him, written bullet points respond to and often contradict his arguments. This segment is a parody of "The O'Reilly Factor" segment "Talking Points Memo" and can also be likened to Mark Hyman's The Point. [Peyser, Marc (February 13, 2006). [http://www.newsweek.com/id/56881 The Truthiness Teller] . "Newsweek".] The Wørd is the longest running segment on the Colbert Report, having been a feature since the first episode on October 17 2005. The first "The Wørd" was the now famous Truthiness.

As Colbert himself explains it: [cite web |url=http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5040948 |title=Bluster and Satire: Stephen Colbert's 'Report' |accessdate=2007-09-28 |publisher=NPR |last=Gross |first=Terry |authorlink=Terry Gross |date=December 7 2005 ]

In the episode aired on April 17, 2008, former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards appeared on "The Report" and performed his own variation of "The Wørd", called "EdWørds", a play on Edwards' last name.

Wrist Watch

Wrist Watch is a segment in which Colbert exposes Hollywood's "glorification" of wrist-related violence. Generally the segment shows scenes from television and film featuring someone either hurting their arm or wrist in some way or having it removed. It was started after Colbert broke his wrist and was required to wear a cast on the show.

See also

* List of "The Colbert Report" episodes
* "The Daily Show"
* Comedy Central
* Stephen Colbert at the 2006 White House Correspondents' Association Dinner
* Colbert's Shred-Off with the Decemberists following Green Screen Challenge dispute
* List of late night network TV programs

References