Vital information (All That Sketch)

"Vital Information" was a well-known sketch on "All That", a sketch-comedy show that aired on Nickelodeon from 1994 to 2005. The sketch revolved around a host sitting at a desk and presenting words of wisdom or reciting the lyrics to a song. The host would then add a humorous answer to the statement or take it in a completely different direction.

History

The sketch began with Lori Beth Denberg as the host. The sketch had some similarities to "Weekend Update" on "Saturday Night Live", but instead of reading news, Denberg sat at the desk offering up "vital information for your everyday life."

In 1999, Lori Beth Denberg left "All That" and she was succeeded by cast member Danny Tamberelli. He hosted until the end of season six when the entire cast was replaced.

The sketch lasted six seasons before being removed after the arrival of a completely new cast for Season 7. It was shortly revived during the tenth and final season, with featured player Lil' JJ as the host.

Hosts

* Lori Beth Denberg - Original host
* Danny Tamberelli - Hosted until the end of Season 6
* Lil' JJ - Hosted for a short time in Season 10 before its cancellation

Vitals from the show

Some of the vitals that were featured included:
* It's a good idea to eat bacon for breakfast. It's a bad idea to put bacon on your face and run around screaming, "HEY, LOOK AT ME! I'M PORK BOY THE BREAKFAST MONKEY!!"
* You say potato. I say potahto. You say tomato. I say look at us, we're two idiots talking about vegetables.
* If it's the last thing you do, guess what? You're dead!
* "It's a bad idea to walk up to a policeman and say, "Oh Mr. Policeman, take me to prison, please!" [All That: Fresh Out the Box, Steve Holland, Pocket Books, 1998]
* "The people on the bus go up and down, up and down, up and down. The people on the bus go up and down. Eventually, they throw up." [All That: Fresh Out the Box, Steve Holland, Pocket Books, 1998] (a parody of the traditional children's song "The Wheels on the Bus")
* "If a dog asks you what your favorite color is, run like the wind, 'cause dogs ain't a spose to talk!" (sic) [All That: Fresh Out the Box, Steve Holland, Pocket Books, 1998]
* "This is no way to treat the world." (Followed by Lori Beth punching a globe) [All That: Fresh Out the Box, Steve Holland, Pocket Books, 1998]
* "One, two, buckle my shoe. Hey, buckle my shoe, I've got a show to do here!" (Then a stagehand runs on stage and buckles Danny's shoe.)
* When you step on a crack, you break your mother's back. When you step on a rusty nail, you say “AHHHHHH!”
* It's easy to milk a cow. It's hard to milk a hippie named Maurice.
* If your name is Stephen, and you have a turkey named Stefan, then come Thanksgiving you'll be Stephen Stuffin' Stefan!!
* It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's ping pong.
* It's not nice to push your friend Billy off the roof and scream, “Look Neighbors! It's Raining Billy!!”
* A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. A bird in your pants could make it very uncomfortable.
* When it rains, it pours. When it snows, it's cold.
* If your grandma gives you a new sweater, it's wrong to wrap it around her neck and squeeze until she turns blue.
* If you can count to seventeen on one hand, then good luck finding gloves you seventeen-fingered freak!!
* Revenge is sweet. Not as sweet as ten pounds of sugar!!!
* Next time you're feeling sick, take a piece of ham and rub it all over your body. You won't feel any better, but you'll smell like ham!
* If you’re having trouble with your homework, don't go up to your teacher and say, “This homework is too hard. Now give me a big wet kiss!”
* Oh, Macarena, Macarena, Macarena. Oh, Macarena, Macarena, Macarena. Oh, I hate the Macarena!
* It's good to invent a new soup called “Tasty Chicken Barley.” It's not good to invent a new soup called “Broken Glass Chowder.”
* Mirror, mirror on the wall. Look at me! I'm a person talking to a piece of glass!
* If you're afraid that your grandma might get stolen, stick a lock up her dress and chain her to the fence.
* If your bra is too tight, it's uncomfortable. If you're a boy and your bra is too tight, I'm uncomfortable!
* If your teacher gives you an F, it is wrong to say "Well what do you expect moron! I didn't study!"
* Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder how on Earth this song became so popular.
* It's fun to play in the snow. It's less fun to play in a bathtub full of vomit
* If you are the President of the United States and you're watching me right now, then you need to quit watching Nickelodeon and go fix our country!
* If you're afraid of heights, don't climb a ladder. If you're afraid of marshmallows, don't climb a ladder made of marshmallows.
* If your mama has a deep voice and hair all over her back, YOUR MAMA'S A DUDE!
* If you don't know the difference between bologna and your underwear, then I'm never eating a sandwich at your house!
* The early bird gets the worm. Fine, I don't want the worm!
* If it's the fourth of July and Santa comes down your chimney, then run like the wind. That ain't Santa!
* Always look both ways before crossing the street. NEVER, EVER TRY TO IRON THE WRINKLES OUT OF YOUR GRANDMA'S FACE!
* Everybody likes the smell of Grandma's cooking. No one likes the smell of grandma's pajamas.
* Never begin a letter to your grandfather "Dear old bald guy with wrinkles"
* Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe. Who's Moe and why is he so Eeny, Meeny, and Miny?
* A picture is worth a thousand words. A thousand words is worth three and a half chipmunks.
* If you are talking to me now, and can't understand why I'm not answering, then you are one dumb dude.
* Too much junk food will make you fat. Too much hot sauce will make you go "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhhhhhh, too much hot sauce!!!"
* If you spell Algebra backwards you get..."Mommy, Mommy, it's hurting again!"
* Never put glue on a cow and then taunt him by saying "Sticky Cow! Sticky Cow! Oooh, Sticky Cow!"
* There's no real reason to play basketball naked.
* Never put underwear on your head and say to people: "I'm Little Nancy and this is my pretty new hat!"
* "Hickory Dickory Dock, the mouse ran up the clock, the clock struck 12 and flung the mouse 30 feet across the room." (a play on the child's rhyme "Hickory, Dickory, Dock)
* If somebody tells you, "Life is like a bowl of cherries"... just smack 'em!
* If you laugh, the world laughs with you. If you walk around with a chicken in your pants, the world laughs in your face.
* They say opposites attract. (Danny picks up a feather) I wonder what the opposite of a feather is. (a giant boulder flies over and hits Danny)
* Monkey see, monkey do. Monkey don't see, monkey step in doo.
* Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall... and I laughed my butt off! Ha HA!
* When in Rome, do as the Romans do. When a truck backs over your foot, go "Aaaauuuuuuggggghhhhh!"
* It's rude to talk with your mouth full. It's even ruder to talk with your mouth full of baby squirrels.
* Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb with a side of mashed potatoes.
* Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe. Catch a tiger by the toe. If it hollers, let it go, because if you don't, he's going to kill you!
* If you have a fear of spiders, then you have arachnophobia. If you have a fear of breathing, then have about four minutes to live.
* Jack be nimble, Jack be quick. Jack eat chipmunk, Jack get sick.
* Three blind mice. Three blind mice. See how they run, into things.
* If you're drinking apple juice and it feels warm, odds are, that ain't apple juice!
* I scream, you scream, we all scream ...when we slam our hand in the car door.
* If your first name is Wally, and your middle name is Wally, and your last name is Woo, then your name is WALLY WALLY WOO!
* "Never go to the library and say "Hello. I'm looking for a book, and why are you so ugly? ugh!"
* If you flush your friend down the toilet, you either got a huuuge toilet or a teenie little friend.
* Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony. He stuck a feather in his hat ...and later realized he'd ruined a perfectly good hat.
* If you see someone drowning, it's rude to stand there trying to throw popcorn into their mouth.
* The cow says "Moo". The duck says "Quack". The crazy person says "Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai!"
* Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. No one cared.
* When you fall in the toilet, it is best not to start swimming saying, "Look at me! I'm a toilet fish!"
* An apple a day keeps the doctor away (then proceeding to throw apples at a doctor) go on get!
* When someone asks you, "What do you want to be when you grow up?", it's rude to say, "I wanna be a big, fat loser. JUST LIKE YOU!"
* Jimmy cracked corn, and I don't care. Jimmy cracked corn, and I don't care. Jimmy got hit in the head with an anvil, and I still don't care.

Trivia

* R&B singer Monica briefly hosted Vital Information when she was a musical guest. She delivered two vitals before Lori Beth Denberg returned to her desk, and quipped with:

"If you steal my Vital Information bit, you had better be prepared to sing a song"

and then introducing Monica before she was set to perform.
* Lori Beth Denberg returned to host during the live 100th episode of "All That" when Danny Tamberelli was struggling to make it to the show on time, a running gag throughout the episode.

References

ee also

* All That
* Lori Beth Denberg
* Danny Tamberelli
* Lil' JJ