Crazy as a Soup Sandwich

"Crazy as a Soup Sandwich"
The New Twilight Zone episode
Episode no.	Season 3 Episode 64
Directed by	Paul Lynch
Written by	Harlan Ellison
Original air date	April 2, 1989
Guest stars
Anthony Franciosa: Nino Lancaster Wayne Robson: Arky Lochner Susan Wright: Miss Thorne Laurie Paton: Cassandra Fishbein
Episode chronology
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List of The Twilight Zone episodes

"Crazy as a Soup Sandwich" is the sixty-fourth episode (the twenty-ninth episode of the third season (1988–1989)) of the television series The Twilight Zone.

Opening narration

“

As certain as death and taxes, we are told that the meek will definitely inherit the Earth. Perhaps, but not always. Consider if you will Mr. Arky Lochner, a well-known petty crook, sidebar six-for-five or shylock, registered coward, and owner of a yellow streak so vivid it could be slathered on a hot dog. Mr. Lochner was written out of the will when the meek were guaranteed their inheritance, and just now he is trying to avoid another kind of payoff, a soulful payoff, in that off-track betting parlor we call...the Twilight Zone.

”

Synopsis

A petty con man named Arky Lochner fumbles and stumbles down a dark alley with some thing following him. A thing that appears as a colorful cloud that moves quickly on Arky. The cloud, a demon, in rather colorful language, claims Arky is a fool and shouldn't have tried to outwit him. Arky claims he still has two days before the demon has the right to do anything to him. In the demon's moment of indecision, Arky runs off and into a building housing Nino's Toys and Imports. He runs into the office of Mr. Nino Lancaster and begs Nino for help from the demon, even though he owes Nino a great deal of money. Arky tries to explain that the money he was loaned by Nino was to make a deal with a demon named Volkerps to pick horse winners in exchange for his soul. The only problem is the horses all either died as they crossed the finish line, packed full of dope, or other maladies that caused Arky to not win a cent despite the fact the horses won.

Nino, oddly enough, doesn't appear surprised and decides to help Arky. First, Nino wants to know how Arky found this demon. Arky claims a woman named Cassandra Fishbein who runs a beauty shop located the demon for him. When she refuses to help, Nino finds a way to persuade her and demands a meeting with Volkerps immediately. Cassandra calls on Volkerps, but he kills her then turns his eyes on Nino. Arky runs out of the shop with one of Nino's goons. They go back to the Toy and Import building and they think Nino's dead. But Nino shows up, dusting himself off and smoke coming off him. Apparently, Nino managed to get away but just barely. He sends his goons to get a hundred gallons of lead paint and cover every inch of the office, ten times over. Nino then leaves to presumably get something to help him defeat the demon.

Nino returns with a small stone box and waits for Volkerps to arrive around midnight. As midnight rolls around, a flash of light and Volkerps comes into the office. Nino tells Volkerps to cancel the contract with Arky and give him a million dollars, and he won't kick the crap out of him. Volkerps laughs at this but Nino has Arky and his secretary close the door. Then Nino pulls something out of the stone box and uses it to strike Volkerps with bolts of energy. It damages Volkerps and then Nino uses the bolts of energy to force Volkerps to be trapped in the stone box. Apparently, Nino had dealt with Volkerps' father and got him in the box too. Now, all Arky has to do is make a deal with Nino.

Closing narration

“

Oh, Arky, Arky. Poor Mr. Lochner. In the magical, mystical bookie parlor we call the Twilight Zone, there's an old, old, very old saying: "Making a deal with a demon is seriously crazy. But making a deal with a master of demons, well, that's crazy as a soup sandwich".

”

Note

The teleplay later appeared in Ellison's short story collection Slippage.

See also

• TV.com - The Twilight Zone (1989) episode: Crazy as a Soup Sandwich