Richard Armour (poet)

Richard Willard Armour (1906–1989) was an American poet and author who wrote over sixty books.

Life and work

Armour was born in San Pedro, Los Angeles, California. His father was a druggist, and Armour's autobiographical "Drug Store Days" recalls his childhood in both San Pedro and Pomona. He attended Pomona College and Harvard University, where he studied with the eminent Shakespearean scholar George Lyman Kittredge and obtained a Ph.D. in English philology. He eventually became Professor of English at Scripps College and the Claremont Graduate School in Claremont, California.

Armour wrote funny poems in a style reminiscent of Ogden Nash. These poems were often featured in newspaper Sunday supplements, a feature called "Armour's Armory". Many of Armour's poems have been repeatedly and incorrectly attributed to Nash. Probably Armour's most-quoted poem (usually quoted by people who credit it to Nash) is this quatrain: "Shake and shake / the catsup bottle / first none'll come / and then a lot'll." Another popular quatrain of his, also usually attributed erroneously to Nash, is: "Nothing attracts / the mustard from wieners / as much as the slacks / just back from the cleaners."

Armour also wrote satirical books, such as "Twisted Tales from Shakespeare", and his ersatz history of the United States, "It All Started With Columbus". These books were typically filled with puns and plays on words, and gave the impression of someone who had not quite been paying attention in class, thus also getting basic facts not quite right, to humorous effect.

Example: "In an attempt to take Baltimore, the British attacked Fort McHenry, which protected the harbor. Bombs were soon bursting in air, rockets were glaring, and all in all it was a moment of great historical interest. During the bombardment, a young lawyer named Francis "Off" Key wrote "The Star-Spangled Banner", and when, by the dawn's early light, the British heard it sung, they fled in terror!"

"It All Started with Europa" begins in the wilderness full of "fierce animals ready to spring and fierce birds ready to chirp."

"It All Started with Marx" includes the rabble-rousing Lenin declaring in public "Two pants with every suit!," "Two suits with every pants!" and "The Tsar is a tsap!"

"It All started with Eve" quotes Napoleon as writing in a letter "Do you [ Joséphine ] miss me? I hope the enemy artillery does."

His book "The Classics Reclassified" includes take-offs on works such as "The Iliad," "Julius Caesar" by William Shakespeare, "David Copperfield" by Charles Dickens, etc.; each take-off is prefaced by a short biography of the work's author in the same style. For Shakespeare, it says he "was baptized April 26, 1564. When he was born is disputed, but anyone who argues that it was after this date is just being difficult."

In 1957, he appeared on the television game show "You Bet Your Life" hosted by Groucho Marx, of Marx Brothers fame. After introductions, Groucho repeated the show's famous catch-phrase, "Say the secret word, win a hundred dollars." Each episode of the show had a secret, common word (ie. home, head, door) and if the contestant said the word during his/her often hilarious interview, then the partnered contestants would each get $50. In this particular case, Armour caught the host in a semantic trap, by immediately stating, "The secret word." He then demanded his $100. After a very brief moment of confusion the band broke out with a short medley indicating that the secret word had been said. Announcer and assistant George Fenneman then arrived on camera and turned to Armour, "From the C.O. over here that we will allow "you" to do what you just did. But nobody else better try this. That's what they said." Armour replied, "Thank you, very much." And Fenneman left the frame and responded, "You're welcome." Then quickly caught himself, and almost cut himself off stating, "I had nothing to do with it." Normally when the secret word is said, Groucho immediately hands over cash. He did not hand over the cash and it's unclear if they paid Armour the bonus even after Armour and his partner won the game. He also composed the following poem that he read to Groucho.

To Groucho"Most poets write of Meadowlarks / I sing instead of Groucho Marx / His lustrous eyes, each like a star / His noble brow, his sweet cigar / His manly stride, his soft moustache / His easy way with sponsors' cash / His massive shoulders, brawny arms / His intellect, his many charms / In short, unless the truth I stray from / A man to keep your wife away from."

Armour's books are typically written in a style parodying dull academic tomes, with many footnotes (funny in themselves), fake bibliographies, quiz sections and glossaries. This style was pioneered by the British humorists W.C Sellar and R.J Yateman with their parody of British history '1066 and All That' in the 1930s.

Bibliography

* "It all Started with Columbus" (American history parodied)
* "It all Started with Eve" 1956 (a humorous history of women)
* "It all Started with Europa" August 1955 (European history parodied)
* "It all Started with Marx" (a humorous history of communism)
* "The Classics Reclassified"
* "Twisted Tales from Shakespeare"
* "English Lit Relit"
* "American Lit Relit"
* "Nights with Armour"
* "Punctured Poems"
* "Our Presidents", Woodbridge Press, California, 1983 ISBN 0-88007-134-6
* "It All Started with Hippocrates", 1966 (a humorous history of medicine)
* "The Medical Muse", 1963 (humorous medical poetry)
* "Going Like Sixty", 1974 (humorous look at aging), ISBN 0-07-002295-5, McGraw-Hill
* "The Academic Bestiary", 1974 (humorous look at higher learning), ISBN 0-688-02884-5, William Morrow and Company, Inc.
* "To These Dark Steps" (play)
* "An Armoury of Light Verse"
* "For Partly Proud Parents" (light verse)
* "Golf Bawls" (light verse)
* "Leading with My Left" (light verse)
* "Private Lives" (light verse)
* "The Spouse in the House" (light verse)
* "Yours for the Asking" (light verse)
* "Armour's Almanac"
* "A Diabolical Dictionary of Education"
* "Drug Store Days"
* "Going Around in Academic Circles"
* "Golf is a Four-Letter Word"
* "The Happy Bookers"
* "It All Started with Freshman English"
* "It All Started with Stones and Clubs"
* "My Life with Women"
* "Out of My Mind"
* "A Safari into Satire"
* "A Short History of Sex"
* "Through Darkest Adolescence"
* "Writing Light Verse"
* "Writing Light Verse and Prose Humour"
* "All in Sport"
* "The Strange Dreams of Rover Jones"
* "The Adventures of Egbert the Easter Egg" (children's book)
* "All Sizes and Shapes of Monkeys and Apes" (children's book)
* "Animals on the Ceiling" (children's book)
* "A Dozen Dinosaurs" (children's book)
* "Odd Old Mammals" (children's book)
* "On Your Marks: A Package of Punctuation" (children's book)
* "Sea Full of Whales"(children's book)
* "Who's in Holes?" (children's book)
* "The Year Santa Went Modern" (children's book)
* "Anyone for Insomnia? A Playful Look at Sleeplessness by a blear-eyed insomniac" (1982) "All In Sport (100 wild word-juggling verses, Illustrated by Leo Hershfield, 1979)