Cigarettes and Alcohol and Rollerblading

Infobox Television episode
Title = Cigarettes and Alcohol and Rollerblading
Series = Father Ted


Caption = The Fathers' forbidden items
Season = 2
Episode = 8
Airdate = 26 April 1996
Production =
Writer = Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews
Director = Declan Lowney
Guests = Rosemary Henderson (Sister Assumpta)
Episode list = List of Father Ted episodes
Season list = Father Ted Series 2
Prev = Rock-a-Hula Ted
Next = New Jack City

"Cigarettes and Alcohol and Rollerblading" is the 8th episode of the second series of Channel 4 sitcom Father Ted and the 14th episode overall.

ynopsis

It's Lent on Craggy Island, and the priests attempt to give up their worst vices: Ted his smoking, Jack his drinking (which Ted decided for him) and Dougal his rollerblading, because Father Dick Byrne tells Ted they plan to do the same thing. Ted has hidden Jack's alcohol supply in a cave beneath the Cliffs of Moher. John and Mary bring some Easter eggs to the Parochial House as a gift (which Ted has to pay for) before announcing they are off to Rome for Easter. Mary says they might even see "your friend" to which Ted asks: "Who's that?" Mary replies: "The Pope!" and Ted laughs: "Sure, he's no friend of mine!" Ted is tempted by the cigarette John is smoking.

That night, Ted sneaks into the garden shed to secretly smoke, only to find Jack with alcohol and Dougal wearing his rollerblades in there. Realising they need extra help keeping their Lenten vows, Ted rings a Church-run addiction service (Matty Hislop's), and after becoming irritated by a singing nun, is promised they will send someone to Craggy Island. When Ted comes off the phone, he and Dougal discover that Jack is sober for the first time in years - the last of the alcohol has left his body, and, in a kind of pain, he cries "Oh my God! Priests! Don't tell me I'm still on that feckin' island!". But he wanders around the room, pointing at the furniture and yelling the names of certain items: "Curtains! Floor!", before finally pointing at Ted, and shouting "Gobshite!", and Jack declares that he remembers everything.

Mrs Doyle is taking a Lenten pilgrimage to St. Patrick's Hill, to keep her on "the straight and narrow"; pilgrims take off their socks and climb to the summit before being chased back down with a plank. Before leaving, Mrs Doyle recalls a couple from a previous pilgrimage, who had been obsessed with "the old S-E-X". As Ted is tucking into his sausage, she says she is glad she never thinks about that kind of thing.

Ted is rescued by the sound of the doorbell. Their helper for Lent has arrived: it is Sister Assumpta, who they have met many times before (although Dougal only remembers her after much prompting). Ted says to Dougal: "Do you not remember Sister Assumpta?" He then proceeds to remind him of the events of her last visit, which included Dougal being arrested for shop lifting, the Garda station setting on fire, Dougal being rescued from the flames by a helicopter and falling out of the helicopter and into the tiger cage in a zoo. Dougal fails to remember Assumpta as Ted recounts these events, but his memory returns when Ted reminds him that he was wearing his blue jumper. "Ah! Sister Assumpta!" Jack walks into the room and Ted asks him if he knows who Assumpta is; Jack points at Sister Assumpta and says "Nan!" Ted replies by saying, "No Father, it's nun!" Jack then races across the room and proceeds to jump out the window. Ted disguises this sudden occurrence by explaining to Sister Assumpta that Jack has gone for his walk.

The following morning, Sister Assumpta sounds an airhorn at 5am (Dougal remarks: "God! I've never seen a clock at 5am before!"). Ted writes Assumpta a note explaining that they don't normally wake up so early, before the two priests get back into bed and switch off the lights. The foghorn sounds again and the light is switched on to reveal Sister Assumpta towering over Ted in his bed.

Downstairs, their breakfast consists of water in a bowl, then Assumpta tells Ted and Dougal to "come outside for your daily punishment!". Ted thinks he has misheard her. The punishment starts with them each lying in an ice bath (Dougal manages to smuggle his rubber ducky into his tub), and Ted is horrified to hear that this is merely the preparation for the punishments, meaning they still haven't started. Ted's hopes that the punishments just mean having to pray are dashed when both he and Dougal are chained to the back of a tractor and driven across the lawn by Sister Assumpta; next, they stand at the front door of the Parochial House whilst Sister Assumpta hurls objects at them. The nun then eats fruit at a table outside the house, and, when Ted and Dougal approach her, pulls out a revolver and fires at them. Finally, she tries to bite Dougal in the arm, and gives him Chinese burns, but he seems indifferent to the pain, so she finishes the punishments for the day.

Ted and Dougal are glad to get some sleep; Ted jumps eagerly onto his bed, but groans with pain. Dougal pulls back his bedclothes to reveal that his mattress has been replaced by bricks. He says: "Guess what she replaced my mattress with!" Dougal suggests they seek refuge from this twisted nun with Father Dick Byrne on Rugged Island; Ted decides to phone his friend Father Larry Duff instead. Larry's mobile phone rings just as he is about to win £10,000 on TV, by guiding a ring along an electrified wire without touching the wire, but the interruption causes Larry to fail. Ted hangs up, remembering that Larry had told him not to call that evening.

With no other option, Ted and Dougal escape to Rugged Island. Their car pulls up outside the Parochial House (which Ted declares a "dump") late at night. Ted says: "I'll knock gently on the door". Dougal, thinking he for once knows what is going on, says: "Oh right, so as you don't wake them up!" Ted looks at him and says: "I have to wake them up so we can get in!", to which Dougal retorts "Why not just knock loudly then?". With no reply at the door, the two priests sneak around to a window, and, looking inside, spy the three Rugged Island priests smoking, drinking and skateboarding to their hearts' content. Sister Assumpta comes into the priests' bedroom in the morning with her foghorn to give them their early morning wake up call. She is astonished to discover a note left on Ted's bed explaining that they have left. Downstairs she sees the Easter eggs.

Ted and Dougal return to Craggy Island, disgusted that the Rugged Island priests broke their promise. They are further shocked to see Sister Assumpta sprawled on the living-room floor stuffing her face with the chocolate eggs. Startled, she begs Ted not to tell her fellow nuns about her failure to 'keep Lent', and Ted comes to an arrangement with her: he'll forget the whole thing, if she goes to Rugged Island parochial house to give them the same treatment she had given Ted and Dougal. As the credits roll, Sister Assumpta is seen giving them, if anything, worse physical abuse, beating the three bare-chested priests (who are in their underwear) with a branch on the lawn. Meanwhile, Mrs Doyle returns to find Ted, Dougal and Jack indulging more than ever in their vices (Ted's smoke billowing under the door makes her believe the house is on fire).

External links

* [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0578504/ "Cigarettes and Alcohol and Rollerblading" at the IMDB]