The Beard

Infobox Television episode
Title = The Beard
Series = Seinfeld


Caption = Kramer in a lineup.
Season = 6
Episode = 102
Airdate = February 9, 1995
Production =
Writer = Carol Leifer
Director = Andy Ackerman
Guests = Jon Gries
Episode list = List of "Seinfeld" episodes
Season list = Infobox Seinfeld season 6 episode list
Prev =
Next =

"The Beard" is the 102^nd episode of the hit NBC situation comedy "Seinfeld". This was the 16th episode for the 6th season. It aired on February 9, 1995.

Plot

Elaine has tickets for the "Swan Lake" ballet. She is going as a "beard" for a gay man whose boss he believes would be intolerant of his sexuality. George is still wearing his toupee and only Kramer thinks he looks handsome. Kramer tries to set up a date for George, but as he doesn't have a picture of her they go to the police station where an acquaintance, who works as a sketch artist, can draw them a picture.

On their way to the station, Kramer gives Chinese food leftovers to a homeless person. At the police station, George likes the picture and Jerry has his eye on a female Sergeant. On their way back Kramer argues with the homeless guy and cannot retrieve his Tupperware container. At the ballet Elaine is acting as Robert's girlfriend.

Back at Monk's Cafe Elaine talks with Jerry how nice Robert is, and the possibility to make him "change teams" (i.e., become a heterosexual). Jerry says conversion is not possible since they are only comfortable with their own "equipment."

At Jerry's apartment Kramer needs a Tupperware to save his meal. George arrives very confident after talking on the phone with Denise, Kramer's friend. Jerry mocks George's "hair hat" telling him Denise will find out.Kramer decides to eat lunch at the police station with his friend Lou, the sketch artist, and Jerry tags along to meet with Sgt. Tierny. At the station, Kramer stands in a police lineup for quick $50 dollars. George meets Denise at Monk's, although she is wearing a hat. While looking at the lie detector Jerry's girlfriend wants him to take the test to see whether or not he watches "Melrose Place".

Later, Elaine mocks Jerry for not telling her that he watched "Melrose Place". Jerry wants George to tell him how to beat the polygraph.

Elaine is going on another "date" with Robert and she is ready to perform the conversion. George arrives disgusted saying that Denise is bald. After arguing that George is bald too ("I WAS bald!"), Elaine throws his wig out the window, and the homeless guy picks it up.

After the date, Elaine invites Robert to her apartment. Wig-less George talks with Jerry he is again himself, and will continue seeing the bald woman. Later, Elaine triumphantly announces to Jerry that Robert has defected his team and that the conversion went perfectly ("Sex and shopping"). Afterwards, Kramer is still doing police lineups. Jerry takes the lie detector test, but quickly cracks under the pressure of clever questions regarding controversial plot developments in "Melrose Place", which provoke him to vent his strongly-held opinions on those controversies, thereby exposing his familiarity with the series.

At Jerry's apartment Elaine comments how Robert went back to his team because they always have access to their "equipment". This episode also features perhaps the series' most explicit sexual joke contained in a covert setting: Elaine complains to Jerry that she is tired of shaking the containers of numerous dairy products to which Jerry responds by shaking a bottle of yogurt in a fashion that resembles male masturbation. Since Elaine is not willing to do this, it is no surprise that she was not apt at making good use of Robert's equipment. George arrives with the news that he was rejected by the bald woman. Kramer comes and tells Elaine that she ruined things for George by throwing the wig. They all watch "Melrose Place".

In the last scene Kramer is still doing lineups but then he gets in trouble when he is recognized by a witness of a robbery, the homeless guy.

Quotes

*Jerry: Hey there he is. So what happened? Could she detect it?
George: That's an interesting question.
Jerry: How so?
George: How so? I'll tell you how so. She's bald!
Elaine: What do you mean bald?
George: What do you think I mean bald? Bald. Bald bald.
Jerry: She's bald?
George: She's bald.

*Elaine: Do you see the irony here? You're rejecting somebody because they're bald.
George: So?
Elaine: (puts her hands up to her mouth) You're bald!
George: No I'm not. I was bald.
Elaine grabs at the toupee, George dodges the grab.
George: Elaine.
Elaine grabs again and misses. George turns around and opens the door trying to get out. Elaine grabs thetoupee and runs to the window.
George: No, no, no Elaine.
Elaine: (shouting) I don't like this thing. And here's what I'm doing with it.
She tosses the toupee out the window.
George: Nooooo.
He runs to the window, and the blind comes down on his head.

*Jerry: All right, shut up, shut up, Melrose Place is coming on.
Theme song of Melrose Place plays on the TV.
Jerry: (Watching Melrose Place) Oh I hate that Michael, he's just so smug.

Trivia

* Jason Alexander hurt his head during the filming of this episode. During the scene where Elaine grabs George's toupee and throws it out the window, George makes a futile grab for it just as Elaine shuts the blinds. Alexander timed his grab slightly incorrectly and slammed his head into the base of the blinds, and you can see them crumple slightly under the impact in the final scene. Fortunately, since this incident occurred during the last take of the day, the bump that was left on Alexander's head did not affect the filming of any other scenes.

* Episode was famously referenced by Greenwich socialite M. Pereiro during the Eliot Spitzer controversy in order to claim that Governor McGreevey's case was more comprehensible than Governor Spitzer's due to the equipment issue (see episode summary above).

* The detective questioning Jerry about "Melrose Place" was played by "John F. O'Donohue". O'Donohue would go on to play Detective Eddie Gibson on "NYPD Blue"