Fair fighting

Fair fighting helps improve marital communication.

Marital fighting is one of the main predictors of divorce. Every relationship, every marriage includes some level of disagreement and adjustment. Both parties are coming from different stories, homes and ways of thinking, and they must negotiate each aspect of their lives to find an acceptable solution. Some couples fight more, some couples fight less….what isimportant is the way they fight.

Couples that self-destruct fight in ways that damage the trust and respect that are necessary for the health of the relationship. They fight in an ugly way, and in this way they invite conflict escalation and retaliation, so perpetuating the dispute. Couples with a high degree of confrontation lose the trust in each other’s ability to listen to their needs, and expect more attacks and negativity.

Fair fighting is a set of rules that help couples discuss their differences within boundaries, and in this way preserving the relationship over the destructive need to "win over" the other.Fair fighting is a method for spouses to effectively communicate their respective needs to each other through the use of problem-solving skills.

Disciplines involved are: psychology; marital and family therapy; conflict resolution;

Contents
# Definition
# Background
# Core Ideas
# Rules of Engagement
# Process
# Criticisms
# Footnotes
# External Links

1. Definition

Fair fighting is a respectful, structured way of confronting each other on issuesthat are causing open or hidden conflict. It is a method for handling andresolving the differences of opinion that inevitably occur between spouses orpartners. The basic idea is to provide an alternative to “dirty fighting” which usesreciprocal blaming, yelling, accusing and humiliating the other, in order to win orbe “right.” It provides a way to support an individual's point of view while recognizinghis/her partner’s needs.

A structure is defined as: “agreed upon ground rules for handling differencesand conflict well.” Since few people have learned how to handle such matterswell, very clear rules give couples a road map for getting through discussionsthat they are otherwise likely to escalate into dirty tricks conflict. The structure ofsimple rules brings a degree of safety to a conversation that allows for greateropenness and less negative affect.

2. Background

Conflict is a fact of life that affects every interpersonal relationship. For this reason, partners must learn how to skillfully manage conflict in order to effectively communicate their needs with each other. The method of fair fighting was developed because the best way for resolving disputes between couples is not often apparent. On the contrary, fighting frequently leads to a fruitless struggle between individuals over how to struggle: underlying, un-met needs never get addressed.

Relationship counselors have discovered that conflict can be a learning opportunity for people who learn to correctly manage it. [Wilmot and Hocker] , [J. Downs] are among many authors who have contributed to the communicative tool of fair fighting. They propose to establish a good frame of rules to fight fair even before the first serious confrontation appears.

3. Core Ideas

People in intimate relation ships instigate conflicts in order to resolve unsatisfied needs.Among Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, marital fighting springs on frustration of needs 2-4: Safety, Belonging; Love, and Self-Esteem. The need for safety refers to the absence or alleviation of anxiety and fear of isolation and rejection. It is a sense of well-being, physical and financial security, and provides a foundation for personal health. The need for belonging and love, when satisfied represents the resolution of the dreaded feelings of loneliness, abandonment, depression, and social anxiety.

Even when a good fight can clear the air and define which needs are claiming for attention, unbridled, applying a zero-sum style of fighting ends up destroying the relationship itself.With the objective of controlling, humiliating or winning over the other, all kindsof negative things are said that are very difficult to retrieve. The results are discouraging,because when repetition of the fight happens, inevitable when it is not resolved at the deep needs level, it will sour the relationship. Fair fighting is designed to deal with issues that bring serious conflict while preserving the relationship.

4. References

* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs
* Joyce Hocker-Wilmot, William W. Wilmot (2006) Interpersonal conflict, Iowa: Won C. Brown Com.,
* Tim Downs and Joy Downs, (2003) The Seven Conflicts: Resolving the Most Common Disagreements in Marriage. Chicago, IL:Moody Publishers
* Arthur S. Hough (1991) Let's Have It Out: The Bare-Bones Manual of Fair Fighting (New Release Series)
* George Robert Bach and Peter Wyden (1983) Intimate Enemy: How to Fight Fair in Love and Marriage, Avon Books (Mm);

5. External links

http://www.utexas.edu/student/cmhc/booklets/fighting/fighting.html

http://ub-counseling.buffalo.edu/fighting.shtml

http://www.serenecenter.com/self_help_docs/Serene%20Center%20Rules%20for%20Fair%20Fighting.pdf

http://www.divorcehelpforparents.com/fair-fighting-rules.html

http://www.counsel.ufl.edu/selfHelpInformation/relationships/fair_fighting_in_intimate_relationships.aspx

http://www.independencecounselor.com/Fair%20Fighting.htm

http://www.positiveconflicts.com/FairFightingForCouples/

http://pervinfamilybusiness.com/library/articles/fighting-fair.asp

http://www.ccgacares.com/mhmatters/fair-fighting-couples.pdf