Big Vern

Big Vern is a comic strip in the British comic Viz, first appearing in the early 90's. It was created by Viz founder Chris Donald. It is currently, and has been for some time, drawn by Simon Thorp.

Big Vern is a parody of London mobsters such as the Kray twins. He is a heavily built, square-jawed man with very short hair, sunglasses, a heavy trench coat and a grizzled look. He is referred to in at least one story as Mr Dakin, a nod to the character Vic Dakin played by Richard Burton in the 1971 gangster film Villain. The humour of the strip centres around Vern mistaking normal and innocent activities (such as a trip to the supermarket) for criminal escapades, such as armed robberies or kidnappings. He always hangs around with his friend Ernie, an easy-going and normal man who is perplexed by Vern's conviction that he and Ernie are both mobsters. Vern speaks with a strong cockney accent, and his speech is phonetic (for example, he would say "arf" and "fackin"' instead of "half" and "fucking" respectively.)

It is not clear whether Vern really is a gangster, a former gangster, or simply someone with a severe delusion about being one. He never seems to associate with real criminals, only Ernie, yet he does seem to know a lot about armed robberies, has no hesitation in killing people and has a seemingly endless supply of firearms. The punchline of nearly every strip is that Vern mistakes someone - such as a traffic warden, an old lady or even Prince Charles - for an armed policeman. He shouts "Get dahn Ernie, he's got a piece" or words to such effect, before shooting that person dead. He then kills himself to ensure he won't go to jail ("No b****** copper is going to take me alive!"), having just killed Ernie under the belief that Ernie would also want to be dead rather than go to prison.

With no regard for continuity, Vern and Ernie are always resurrected in time for the next episode. In recent escapades Vern, for some reason, has not killed Ernie - instead, he accuses Ernie of "setting him up" and then kills himself as usual.

In another strip, Vern and Ernie go to stay at a hotel. Vern is convinced that it is a prison, and after slopping out and decorating his room (which he believes is a cell) with pictures from pornographic magazines, he announces his intention of muscling in on the snout racket and denounces a fellow guest as a nonce "it could have been your kids Ernie, let me at him" etc etc. He then goes stir crazy and launches a rooftop protest, sitting on the roof of the hotel and demanding better conditions. The final prison stereotype shows Vern sodomising Ernie in the shower claiming that "he hadn't see a woman for a long time".

The Viz website [http://www.viz.co.uk] has a downloadable Big Vern Macromedia Flash game called "The Full Tickle". The player must get Vern to kill as many innocent people as possible before committing suicide.