Captain Kremmen

Captain Kremmen was a science fiction radio serial set in the early 21st Century (The pilot opens in 2005). It was written and performed for Capital Radio by the DJ Kenny Everett and was also broadcast on Liverpool's Radio City. It featured the eponymous vain and dimwitted spaceship captain.

Main Characters

Captain Elvis Brandenburg Kremmen - Born in Liverpool on Christmas Day in 1950, Kremmen grew up with an interest in becoming an astronaut like his idol, Dan Dare.

Graduating from the Space Academy, Kremmen went on to become the world's most fabulous man, as well as a captain for Star Corps (a parody of ""). He also has bionic veins, and a bionic left foot, with a detachable big toe that converts into a space cannon. According to a 'computer readout' at the beginning of episodes he has an IQ of 498, a height of 6' 10", is a Supreme Athlete, a Concert Pianist, Concorde Pilot, Mountain Climber, Diplomat, Space Captain & Genius. Another variation to the opening script said he had 'muscles in places where most other people don't even have places'.

Carla - An American, Carla is the world's most voluptuous woman. She came from a poor family, and used her beauty to get a job in Star Corps. Whenever alone with Kremmen, she persuades him into having casual sex with her. Her first visual appearance saw her looking like Marilyn Monroe, but this was changed in the TV series. She appears to be based on Dale Arden.

Dr. Heinrich von Gitfinger - Named "Grelbman" in the graphic novel, Gitfinger is Kremmen's scientific aide from Germany. In some areas, he is portrayed as a Nazi. He is married and has children living in West Germany.

Other minor characters include Gonad, Schmuckstein, Threllmer and Fooman, who are all technicians aboard the Troll-1.

Foes

The Thargoids - Based on their synthetic homeworld of Thargoidia, the Thargoids are a race of beings led by Gort (a parody of a movie character with the same name), who drain all other beings of their knowledge so that they will be the most intelligent beings in the universe. They are described as having transparent heads, furry green eyeballs, seven legs and three lips. This latter feature is the reason the Thargoids drink tea; as Gort explained: "You try asking for llllager and llllime with llllips llllike these!"

The Krells - Originally nine-headed creatures with enormous lips, the Krells later became slimy lumps in the TV series. They are the second alien race to appear in the series after the Thargoids. Their first leader was Queen Iris, followed by King Zarno during their "lump" stages in the radio and TV series. The "nine-heads" appeared only in the book, and were led by Zorro, who was more welcoming to Kremmen than the other leaders. Their final appearance was in a war against the Macronites, who were planning revenge for an earlier Krell attack. They seem to be named after the alien civilisation mentioned in "Forbidden Planet".

The Sun-Suckers - A nearby sun died out years ago, and a race of beings called the Sun-Suckers began to die from the intense cold. By stealing solar energy from the Earth's sun, the Sun-Suckers were able to stay alive for a little longer. Their number was 1,000 when Kremmen arrived, and their leader was known as Vardak the Elder. The Sun-Suckers are lumps like the Krells, but have four ears according to Kremmen.

Further Appearances

In 1977, a comic book was released by Corgi, explaining Kremmen's time before he became a space hero. In his earlier years, Kremmen was more of an anti-hero, offering to allow the Krells to destroy Birmingham instead of his hometown of Liverpool. The story was quite surreal, and portrayed Kremmen as a womaniser as well as a control freak. The Krells planned to dump poisonous Thronn over Liverpool to destroy it, but the Thronn quickly turns into jelly when it reacts with grease from various fish-and-chip shops en route. The comic also introduced several new characters, with some politically incorrect ones, such as the Jewish "Moyshe Pukestein", and the Jamaican nightnurse, "Dr. Winston".

The series became an animated cartoon in "The Kenny Everett Video Show" and "The Kenny Everett Television Show". This was produced for the series by Cosgrove Hall Films.

Captain Kremmen was also a chart hit for Kenny Everett in late November 1977. Its main lyric "Tread boldly men" was a skit on Star Trek's motto.

The final piece of memorabilia on Captain Kremmen was made in 1980; a 20-minute film entitled "". However, like the comic book, it was unusual. As well as several new characters, the only original characters were Kremmen, Carla and Gitfinger. The plot itself was centred around Kremmen finding a giant space-monster that was eating planets. When his new spaceship is eaten by the monster, Kremmen is able to help the ship escape by pumping oxygen into the stomach and making the monster vomit, but the creature itself isn't destroyed, and it is not made clear if the other planets that were eaten were rescued.

External links

Episodes of the Capital Radio Captain Kremmen series are now available for free at the Creation Podcasts website: [http://www.creationpodcasts.com/ Creation Podcasts]