Cooking the Books (Black Books episode)

Infobox Television episode
Title = Cooking the Books
Series = Black Books
Season = 1
Episode = 1
Guests = Rupert Vansittart, Martin Freeman
Airdate = September 29th, 2000
Production =
Writer = Dylan Moran, Graham Linehan
Director =


Caption =
Prev =
Next = Manny's First Day

"Cooking the Books" is the first episode of the sitcom "Black Books". It was written by Dylan Moran and Graham Linehan.

Plot Summary

Bernard Black, after kicking everyone out of his store, the titular "Black Books", enters his friend Fran Katzenjammer's store, "Nifty Gifty", in order to convince her to mind his store while he visits his accountant, Nick. She agrees, as long as he minds her shop later on in the week, as she needs to be at the hospital to be the birth partner of her friend, Julie. During this time, she is also trying to solve the meaning of an object, which she labels as a "bald furby". Bernard meets with Nick, but Nick soon escapes out the window as the police chase after him, and now the disgruntled shop owner faces having to do his own taxes. Unable to understand the paperwork, he tries anything to avoid finishing his taxes; pairing his socks, talking to his mother, and soon he invites Jehovah's Witnesses into his household for a talk about Jesus, in which the Jehovah's witnesses were surprised as they usually get turned down and it appears they know nothing about Christianity. However, even this fails, but he receives hope when he finds out that persons suffering from either long-term or short-term illnesses or injuries may delay handing in their accounts, which gives him the idea to place a special offer on a book - "free as long as you break my legs". The customer, unfortunately, already has read this book and so turns down the offer, he then tries other ways of hurting himself such as hammering a pencil through his hand and cutting his wrist with a knife, but as he is about to do it he notices a group of skinheads outside the window, and rushes to meet them.

Meanwhile, Manny Bianco who bought the "Little Book of Calm" earlier on in the programme from Bernard, ends up accidentally swallowing it. After being taken to the hospital, his doctor informs him that he has, in fact, assimilated it into his system, with Manny now giving advice from the book itself from memory. He appears to look like a stereotypical Jesus. He starts to leave the hospital, meeting with Julie, whom Fran is desperately trying to reach. He calms her down with a quote, and leaves the hospital, seemingly calming both a dog and a car. He then meets with a group of skinheads who insult him, and then punch him in the face, which causes Manny to wake from his Little Book of Calm induced amnesia.

Ultimately, Bernard runs outside and meets with the skinheads, insulting their shaved heads, their behaviour, their football team, and finally their girlfriends in order to be injured so he doesn't have to write out is tax accounts, when they lose their temper and beat him up. Waking from his daze, Bernard finds himself in his store, with Manny watching over him; Manny is exceedingly grateful that Bernard saved him, offering to do his taxes and make him a "ham sandwich with a pickle". After this, the Jehovah's Witnesses come back, and Manny opens the door, appearing like Jesus, startled by his appearance they run off never to be seen again. Later, while Fran meets with Bernard and Manny, Bernard cannot find his lighter. Manny picks up the "bald furby" and presses a button, releasing a lighter flame to light Bernard's cigarette, which causes Fran to scream due to frustration as she has been trying to figure out what it is after all this time.

Trivia

* The two people who play the Jehovah's Witnesses were real life brothers.
* On the side of the "bald furby" boxes in "Nifty Gifty" are katakana characters saying 'raita' (lighter)
* Nick the accountant's full name is 'Nick Voleur' (cf. the hand-written sign on his door). 'Voleur' is French for 'Thief'.

Quotes

Customer: "Excuse me, those books, leather bound ones... "
Bernard: "Yes, Dickens. The Collected Works of Charles Dickens."
Customer: "Are they real leather?"
Bernard: "They're real Dickens."
Customer: "I have to know if they're real leather, because they have to go with a sofa. Everything else in my house is real. I'll give you 200 for them."
Bernard: "200 What?"
Customer: "200 Pounds."
Bernard: "Are they leather-bound pounds?
Customer: "No"
Bernard: "Sorry, I need leather-bound pounds to go with my wallet. Next!"
Bernard (doing his taxes): "'What is your mother's maiden name?' What....what's her first name?! I only knew her as Ma! That'll have to do. 'Ma. Possibly deceased.'"

Guest Stars

* Tony Bluto - Nick, Bernard's Accountant

* Daisy Campbell - Julie

* Dominic Carter - Hooligan # 1

* Jeillo Edwards - Midwife

* Martin Freeman - Doctor

* John MacNell

* Eamonn O'Neill - Vivian

* James O'Neill - Dickie

* Michael Parkhouse - Mr. Blackbelly

* Muriel Pavlow

* Jack Pierce

* Rupert Vansittart - Pretentious Customer

External links

* [http://www.tv.com/black-books/cooking-the-books/episode/92263/summary.html "Cooking the Books" at tv.com]