Ruby Romaine

Infobox character
color = #CCCCFF
name = "Tracey Takes On... Characters"
Ruby Romaine


caption =
age = 72
death =
occupation = Makeup artist
disabilities =
title =
family =
spouse =
children = Buddy and Desiree
relatives = Uncle Skip, Uncle Rosco
episode =
portrayer = Tracey Ullman
creator = Tracey Ullman

Ruby Romaine is a fictional character portrayed by Tracey Ullman on her show "Tracey Takes On...".

Biography

Ruby's family hails from Wisconsin. When her family moved out to Hollywood, they lived in a trailer. Her family was extremely obese. "I don't think I ever saw them put anything in their mouths that didn't have milk, butter, and cheese in it." Ruby revealed that she was an early bloomer. She developed triple D-cup breasts. Sometime before age 15, Ruby's Uncle Rosco came to live with them. He made sexual advances towards Ruby, for which he was put on trial. The judge made him join the navy. He died in Guam.

Ruby has two children, Desiree, and Buddy Romaine. Ruby had her children back-to-back, which allowed her to, "spend a lot of time with them, and make sure that they were growing up right." Desiree was the product of an affair Ruby had with Senator Joe McCarthy. "He was the first guy I did it with in a blimp!" Desiree works in a morgue. Son Buddy, was a product of incest. Ruby had an affair with her uncle. Ruby concealed her pregnancy by telling her mother that, "she was nursing kids for the county." Buddy didn't meet his "Uncle-daddy" Skip, until he was a adult and competing in a car show contest. Uncle Skip took the car Buddy won, and disappeared from his life yet again.

Buddy, was a child star. He starred as the "Tasty Bread Boy" in television commercials. When he was 17, Buddy decided that he wanted to go to Vietnam. Buddy returned a shell-shocked Vietnam veteran. He lives with Ruby to this very day. Even with his harrowing experience, Buddy still misses Vietnam. To fill the void, Buddy adopted a pot bellied pig, Oinky. Ruby makes sure that Buddy takes his anti-psychotic medication daily. Although he seemingly has lapses. Buddy acted as Secretary of State for the secessionist group, Army of Armageddon. The group called for their mobile home to be declared a separate state. Buddy has a history of selling his body parts. He used part of the money to send away for a "slender Filipino fiance." Buddy proposed marriage as was contractually mandatory. However, upon his "fiance's" arrival, Buddy was held up with the Armageddon group. His fiance ultimately decided to marry the sergeant who was awaiting Buddy to surrender.

Desiree's daughter, Ruby's niece, had a child with an African-American man. They produced a child, Whitney. Ruby never knew of the child, nor the wedding, since she didn't attend. Ruby met her daughter unexpectedly in a food market where Desiree was shopping. The mini-reunion acted as reconciliation between mother and child. Ruby takes her great-grandchild to the Department of Motor Vehicles, and uses her to get out of a jam when she makes an off-color remark to employees.

Ruby stocked up on what she calls, "vintage dinners," frozen tv dinners that were taken off the market when health experts discovered that some of the additives were causing cancer. She still serves them on special occasions like Thanksgiving for her family.

Neighborhood

Ruby resides in East Hollywood, California. Her address is, 264 1/2 Fernando Venezuela Boulevard, (formally Appleby), Hollywood, California, 90036. She dubs her neighborhood, "Boomshakalaka Town". The majority of Ruby's neighbors are Hispanic. "It used to be a real elegant neighborhood, but now all the children have earrings and you can smell the rice and beans in the air."

Ruby's relationship with her neighbors is nothing short of tumultuous. Ruby was raped by her neighbor's dog, Raging Bull. Taking matters into her own hands, Ruby had her friend, Dean, castrate the dog with bricks as to not have Ruby attacked in the future.

Mexican Jehovah's Witnesses are frequent guests in Ruby's doorway. She quickly turns them away. Ruby is not a religious person.

Many frozen blocks of urine have crashed through Ruby's home from space shuttles.

Hollywood makeup career

Ruby's makeup career began when a film came to her town. Actor, Erroll Flynn, took to an underage Ruby and had sexual relations with her. Ruby, threatening to make a big scandal out of the affair, was offered a job doing makeup which kicked started her fifty year occupation. She is the oldest working Makeup Union Guild member. "I've been working here fifty years, hell, I'm almost out of rouge!"

Ruby has worked on such stars as Bette Davis, Maureen O'Hara, Catherine Hepburn, Clark Gable, Spencer Tracy, Kirk Douglas, Humphrey Bogart, Ronald Regan, Debbie Reynolds, Dennis Weaver, Rose Marie, Jane Seymour, the cast of Bonanza, and has applied putty to Candice Bergen's neck. She also worked for legendary actress, Joan Crawford. "My job was to draw her eyebrows in five minutes before the alarm went off." Davis' two adopted children, implored Ruby to help save them from their mother who was, "giving them enemas," and tying them to their beds with restraints." Ruby went on the side of the woman who, "signed her paycheck."

Ruby got to make amends with actress, Vivian Biltmore, the woman who got her fired off the set claiming that she was drunk. Ruby did Biltmore's makeup for her Oscar-winning performance in, "Faded Splendor". Ruby reconciled with the star while acting as makeup mortician to Vivian.

She also worked on actress Jayne Mansfield. "I got to the scene the scene where Jayne Mansfield's head rolled along the side of that highway. Sad thing was, I had done her roots only three days prior. Can you believe her luck?"

Ruby worked on "The Greatest Story Ever Told", (which was the closet thing she ever had to a religious experience). Actress, Angela Lansbury, accused Romaine of drinking the wine for the Last Supper scene. Ruby was fired.

She has worked on such motion pictures as "Showgirls", doing makeup for actress, Elizabeth Berkley. Ruby used ice-cubes on Berkley's nipples before every take. Romaine has also done makeup for the pornography industry. Her work can be seen in, "Plymouth Cock".

Ruby has had multiple affairs. The list includes: Robert Mitchum, Lawrence Welk, Anthony Quinn, Cornel Wilde, John Garfield, John Edgar Hoover, Joe McCarthy.

She has only been arrested once in her life. A half-pound of cocaine was found in the hair and make-up trailer on the set of a B-movie Ruby was working on. She was innocent, but years prior, she did use it on her body in one of her "sexcapades".

Hollywood insider

Ruby is adamant that Liberace was not gay. She saw him and Carol Burnett "canoodling" in a restaurant.

She rejects the reported life story of Grace Kelly. "She slept with every leading man she ever worked with."

Ruby tried to cover up the bruises on actress, Lana Turner, given to her by abusive boyfriend, Johnny Stompanato. "He smacked her around, and she liked it!"

Key player

Unbeknown to the public, Ruby was the "Deep Throat" that brought 1970s actress Linda Granger's career to halt, resulting in the cancellation of her hit television series "VIP Lounge" and her character being killed off. Ruby leaked out that Linda was a drug addict who tried to snort the translucent power from her make-up kit. The last straw was when Ruby took it away from Linda, and Linda slapped her.

Linda also at some point got Ruby fired from the set of "Vegas Vixens".

Back in the 1950s, Ruby had the opportunity to become a secret agent for the FBI. A listening devise was transplanted in Ruby's back molar to spy on possible communist Hollywood movie stars. John Garfield, misinterpreted Ruby's facial expressions while drunk, and thought she was coming onto him. After a brief liaison, Ruby worked every John Garfield picture.

Ruby took it upon herself to spy on possible communist sympathizers in Hollywood for her then lover, Joe McCarthy. Being in the make-up business, she had prime access to spy on the stars.

Alien abduction

Driving home after a day of doing makeup on a George Schlatter comedy show, Ruby was startled when her Buick began violently shaking. Thinking it was another California earthquake, Ruby jumped out of her car. A beam of bright light shined in front of her. A green figure emerged from a metallic mobile home shaped space aircraft. The creature led Ruby into the ship. There she drank, and danced with the person she called, "mayor of the moon. The top alien back home." She was then probed by the creature. Soon after, she was led back to her car which had been washed and simonized. Ruby went to the FBI to tell them her story.

Alcoholism and smoking

For cigarettes, Ruby's brand of choice is Pall Mall. She began smoking as early as seven-years-old. She has what many would describe as an alcohol problem, but Ruby would never admit to this. She sometimes refers to her alcohol as "medication," or a purifier. She is not one to refrain from taking medication for her artificial hip which was put in backwards, with beer. She is keen on not missing Happy Hour at Smog Cutters, which she frequently drives to in her blue Buick. She enjoys champagne music. Ruby is known to call into Home Shopping when she's had, "a few too many."

ee also

*"Tracey Ullman in the Trailer Tales"
*""

References

* [http://www.traceytakeson.com/ www.traceytakeson.com]