SpeedMouse

infobox television
show_name = SpeedMouse
format = Comedy
runtime = 90 minutes
creator = David Collins and Shane Dundas
starring = David Collins and Shane Dundas
country = AUS

"SpeedMouse" is a Stage Show and DVD By The Umbilical Brothers.

Plot

Taking advantage of the latest advances in performance technology, the boys have upgraded their acting to digital. Using this technology they are able to immediately jump to any routine or fast-forward through the boring bits. Unfortunately, the remote control has gone missing. Tensions arise when their newly-hired roadie clashes with David — he points out that there’s no need for a roadie as there are no props or scenery to move. The situation gets worse when their show controller, Tina, starts playing mind games with Shane.

tory

* OpeningShane and Dave introduce themselves to the audience. To show that they've decided to enhance the experience, they introduce us to the lovely woman Tina, who runs the show and strangely has a deep, male voice, and their Roadie, who is dressed as a clown. Dave gets carried away and starts doing the intro, much to Shane's annoyance. Tina however is enjoying Dave's intro and prompts Shane to leave.

* Body TalkDave finds himself unable to do the intro, lacking anything else to say. He then plays around with them microphone and learns he can pick up radio signals with the ultra-powerful mike. He listens into Yoda, Gollum, and numerous other people before finally discovering a group of terrorists who seem to be watching him. Upon realizing he knows of their presence, they retreat, and Dave learns they are actually microscopic and inside his body. Upon escaping into their van, they attempt to escape Dave, who squishes them with his foot. Shane reappears and the duo ask Tina if she has found the special remote that controls the show. She has not. They then tell us about how dangerous the remote is and what not to do with it. The bizarre contraption's many functions include: making a cat viciously attack Dave (Crazy Cat Button), making the Umbies dance while chanting "Yeah" (a button marked Yeah), and making both of them dance erotically (Porno Button).

* BreakdownShane concludes his speech on the remote, just to shut down. Dave attempts to replace the battery, but is given the wrong one repeatedly by the Roadie. He then tries messing about with Shane's insides, such as his heart, his intestine, his brain, and inner child. He eventually starts messing about with him and causes him to continue the show in German, Japanese, and as Gollum. Eventually, the Roadie simply stamps on the ground and causes Shane to revert back to normal, much to Dave's annoyance. Dave tries to get the Roadie in trouble by telling Tina that he has neglected to bring out their one piece of scenery (a large rectangular piece of green wood). As he says that, the Roadie walks out and the Umbies go on with their next sketch.

* Spartacus JavelinShane acts as commentator on Trevor Spartacus's (Dave's) Javelin throw. Spartacus successfully wins over the crowd. At his first attempt, he leans back and gets the javelin stuck in the ground and is only able to get it about a foot away from where he was standing. For his second attempt, he sticks it in the ground and does star jumps, just to have his hand impaled by the javelin. For his third and final attempt, he ends up impaling his own head on the javelin due to anaesthetic. Someone presses the Porno Button, resulting in Shane sliding behind the scenery while being pleasured, and Dave pole dancing with the javelin. After regaining control, the Umbies attempt to talk for a moment, but are met with a glitch (Technical Term "Gli'Glitch).

* DinosaursThe Umbies disappear and are replaced by identical super-intelligent alien dinosaurs. The dinosaurs assure us that they are not aliens that replaced the Umbilical Brothers using their own DNA, and assure us that they do not plan on doing the same to the front row of the audience. They are about to tell us something they do not plan to do which is apparently to construct an enormous plastic version of an inappropriate body part, they are stopped when a flash of light scares them away. We go back to Athens, where the Hammer Throw is underway. The athlete tosses the hammer off course and the onlooking Umbies duck for cover. Dave however, looks up at the wrong moment. Also at Athens, we see Dave and Shane compete in Table tennis. The duo find each other facing distractions, such as Tina, Roadie, and two intervals.

* Questions?Shane comes out and wants to know if anyone has a Question about the show. A man (Dave) asks, for all the Parmesan Cheese lovers in the Audience, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? CAN'T YOU SMELL THAT?" Shane leaves it as a rhetorical question so they can move on. An Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonator then asks what Shane thinks of his impression. Shane simply says that it is shit, but changes his mood after the man states "Oh Get Out!" A third man, with an unintelligible voice then asks a very long and tiresome question which Shane refuses to answer (in reality, Dave has said that he is actually telling a real story, but has made his voice incredibly hard to understand). Tina forces Shane to answer, which he does, in absolute gibberish. He and Tina get into an argument and Tina concludes that a 4 year old child could do better than him. Shane plucks an imaginary one out of the audience to see if she's right.

* Mime Kid, MimeShane leave the kid in charge of the show. The Kid wows the audience by doing the Walking Against the Wind, and the Men Behind the Wall. He then encounters the Roadie and asks for a balloon. The Roadie turns the Scenery into a door and inflates a Balloon. The kid however is greatly annoyed that it isn't red, and makes the Roadie get him another one. The Roadie takes extra long to inflate it and when it is given to the kid, he begins to sail into the air. Upon the kids request, the Roadie pops the balloon and he is caught by Dave, but is then killed by a truck (according to the actors commentary, the Kid falls through a trap door, thus allowing him to reappear later).

* FlyDave attempts to play shotput at Athens, but is bothered by a Fly he thought he edited out. He makes numerous attempts at killing the fly, using Pea Beu to spray it, it survives and Shane says he should have used Mortein. Eventually, Tina stops the madness when Shane performs CPR on the fly. Dave messes up again when an explosion erupts and sends him flying across the room, in reality, he is just pointing to where he "should" be falling. Shane asks why he did that and Dave explains that he isn't doing his own stunts anymore and that a digital Dave will be added in when the extended edition comes out. Eventually the lights go out and Dave is punched in the gut. Dave first accuses Shane, but then accuses the Roadie, who when questioned is behind the scenery. Shane asks Roadie if he punched Dave, he shakes his head and much to Dave's anger, he believes him. Roadie and Shane disappear to what is apparently a Strip Club behind the scenery. Dave attempts to go with them but ends up in a huge drafty room where he is basically as blind as a bat.

* LairInside the room, Dave attempts to find Shane and the Roadie but instead interacts with the unusual assortment of objects inside the room. The Roadie appears with night vision goggles and places the scenery back to its original state, but alerts Dave of his presence. Dave steps behind it and is sent to a small universe completely controlled by the Roadie. He interacts with numerous strange people until he encounters E.T., who attempts to assist him by handing him a torch. Dave thanks him but then knocks him out, being annoyed by his ominous humming. He eventually comes across an elevator and goes to numerous floors. even encountering a Super Intelligent Alien Dinosaur Shane. He then meets Joda (pronounced Yoda, it is never stated what his name is in the performance, but the Umbies have said it's spelled with a J). He asks Joda to use The Force to find the Roadie, but he is unsuccessful and drops his Light saber. Dave attempts to return it by tossing it at him, but horribly injures him, finally making him say, "get you I will, you bastard". Shane ends up on a ledge on the side of a building, but the elevator won't open for him when he gets out. He sees E.T. fly past but, remembering their previous encounter, just yells "Ouch, bastard." Shane is then met by Spider-Man who offers to help. But Dave, alarmed by the mention of Spider, whips out his can of Mortein and knocks him off the building, possibly to his death. Dave then sees the kid from before float by when the balloon is popped by the Roadie. Dave rushes over to save the kid, who thanks him. Dave states it's no problem and that he's probably going to do it again as everything comes in threes, but The Kid states that won't be happening as Dave has stepped off the ledge.

* UnderwaterDave lands underwater and is desperate for air. He sees Shane behind a thin sheet of glass and begs for help. Shane tries to tell Dave of the door that is right there but Dave cannot hear him. He enters and tells him, but finds the door is locked from the inside. They then call for the Roadie to bring them air. He simply walks out and Dave criticizes him for not even trying to look like he's underwater. He exits and comes back, unenthusiastically moving an arm in front of his chest to simulate swimming. He gives them air, which is fought over by the duo, who eventually crack open the thin sheet of glass.

* ApologyDave refuses to continue until Shane apologizes for what he'd done. Shane agrees but he encounters a minor Gli'glitch at the end of his apology, making him pause for less than a second. Dave gets Tina to help him figure out what it is using Frame by Frame, eventually showing that for a single frame, Shane is sticking his middle finger at Dave. Dave then angrily rants at Shane and does the same when "agreeing" with him. Shane then states that Dave is being ripped off by the people who animated his walk, and suggests Aardman, of Wallace and Gromit fame. Shane then flips off Dave again after he calls Dave childish.

* Finger WarsA war erupts between the two, each giving the other the finger in numerous ways. Eventually they stop trying to insult each other and just have fun with it, including fencing and dropping the sword into the audience, then prompting someone in the audience to return it to them by flipping them off. The Roadie appears and gives the finger like a bowling ball. Dave continues to be annoyed by the Roadie's antics and insults him. The Umbies erupt in the use of numerous buttons on the remote until they discover that the Roadie has it. Dave is infuriated, while Shane thanks him for finding it.

* The VoteDave wants the Roadie fired, but Shane wants an Audience Vote. Dave then opts for Tina to vote, but she is silent. They look away from the Roadie and he reaches for a microphone and Tina calls out, "I say he stays." Dave is infuriated, while Shane is overjoyed, but they then see the Roadie leaving the microphone after giving another message as Tina. Dave rips off the Roadies Clown Mask, revealing an identical one underneath, to which the Umbies gasp and respond 'TINA?!?

* EncoreThe Umbies give us a preview of their next show.

* CreditsWe see all the nice people who helped make the presentation.

DVD release

The Show was released on DVD in 2004. It was filmed live at the Sydney Opera House over two nights.

External links

* [http://www.umbilicalbrothers.com/ Umbilical brothers official website]
* [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0986371/ IMDB Entry]