Cockney alphabet

The Cockney alphabet, also known as the Surrealist alphabet^[1], is a humorous recital of the alphabet, parodying the way the alphabet is taught to small children. The humour comes from forming unexpected words and phrases from the names of the various letters of the alphabet.^[2][3]

Clapham and Dwyer version

In the 1930s, the comedy double act Clapham and Dwyer recorded the following version:

A for 'orses (hay for horses)

B for mutton (beef or mutton)

C for 'th highlanders (Seaforth Highlanders)

D for 'ential (deferential)

E for Adam (Eve or Adam)

F for 'vescence (effervescence)

G for police (Chief of police)

H for respect (age for respect)

I for Novello (Ivor Novello)

J for oranges (Jaffa oranges)

K for 'ancis, (Kay Francis), or K for undressing

L for leather (Hell for leather)

M for 'sis (emphasis)

N for 'adig (in for a dig, or infradig)

O for the garden wall (over the garden wall)

P for a penny (pee for a penny)

Q for a song (cue for a song), or Q for billiards (cue for billiards)

R for mo' (half a mo')

S for you (it's for you)

T for two (tea for two)

U for films (UFA films)

V for La France (Vive La France)

W for a bob (double you for a bob)

X for breakfast (eggs for breakfast)

Y for Gawd's sake (why, for God's sake)

Z for breezes (zephyr breezes: see West wind)

Alternative versions

There are many alternative 'definitions' offered for each letter, some of which include:

B's for honey (bees for honey)

B for you go (before you go)

C for miles (see for miles)

C for ships (sea for ships)

C for yourself (see for yourself)

D for dumb (deaf or dumb)

D for 'cate (defecate)

D for 'mation (deformation)

D for 'ential (differential, as part of a vehicle)

E for brick (heave a brick)

E for 'ning Standard (Evening Standard)

G for crying out loud (gee, for crying out loud)

H for consent (age for consent)

H for a film (age for a film)

I for the Engine (Ivor the Engine)

I for or (either / or)

K for 'teria (cafeteria)

K for Sutherland (Kiefer Sutherland)

N for 'lope (envelope)

N for 'lade (enfilade)

O for crying out loud (oh, for crying out loud)

O for the wings of a dove (oh, for the wings of a dove)

O for the rainbow (over the rainbow)

P for relief (pee for relief)

P for 'ming seals (performing seals)

P for nanny (pee for nanny)

P for a whistle (pea for a whistle)

Q for chips (queue for chips)

Q for a theatre (queue for a theatre)

Q for tickets (queue for tickets)

Q for a pee

S for Rantzen (Esther Rantzen)

U for 'mism (euphemism)

U for me (you for me)

W for quits (double you for quits)

Y for girlfriend (wife, or girlfriend?)

Y for Heaven's sake (why, for Heaven's sake)

Y for crying out loud (why, for crying out loud)

Y for a husband (wife for a husband)

Z for his hat (his head for his hat)

Naming a dog "Deefer" (as was common in the '50s^{[citation needed]}) is an example of the reverse of this phenomenon, based on interpreting the line D for dog in an everyday alphabet verse as "deefer dog".

Notes

1. ^ Clapham & Dwyer, A Surrealist Alphabet. (Available on the CD You have to laugh, don't you?)
2. ^ The definitive Cockney Alphabet, The Sydney Morning Herald, January 15, 2005, http://www.smh.com.au/news/Big-Questions/The-definitive-Cockney-Alphabet/2005/01/14/1105582700584.html 
3. ^ Verbal frolics, Times Higher Education, 13 November 1998, http://www.timeshighereducation.co.uk/story.asp?storyCode=161119&sectioncode=38